One of the major reasons for couple relationship breakdown is the lack of having a unified couple identity, a ‘we-ness’. When a serious couple relationship forms between two individuals, a joint entity forms that is more than the two individuals together reflects the bonds, interactions, shared values and beliefs, as well as the hopes for a future together.

Couple relationships are significant indicators of general functioning, wellbeing and health in the general population. For most people, the state of their most intimate relationship determines how they view their quality of life. The focus is then on the subjective, psychological closeness of the bond between the two partners (often called ‘we-ness’). This is called couple identity.

By the time a couple comes to counselling, I find that in about 75% of the time, disconnection in the couple identity, is the source of discord. The disconnection between the individuals and the couple identity becomes so entrenched that it creates a lot of discomfort. Members of the couples see themselves as separate individuals and no longer as a collective entity. Couples who no longer describe themselves in terms of the collective relationship or “us”, is in trouble. Substantial psychological research was done to determine what are the predictors of couple relationship quality (Cruwys et al., 2023; Emery et al., 2020) to assist us in making early interventions.

How does social identity have an impact?

Social identity and ‘we-ness’ are similar in that they signify ownership. Some indicators in the social identity formation process may predict relationship quality. Success in counselling lies in the ability to re-conceptualize the couple as a re-emerging social identity. The suggestion is to use the specific measures of social identity to enhance couple identity as the strongest predictor of relationship stability. It was followed by partner liking, partner similarity and relationship orientation.

Further, it is important to consider the relationship quality through the lens of relationship satisfaction and stability. Just as critical to understanding your individual identity is to have a clear and deep understanding of who and what you are as a couple. All these measures and aspects are to be explored in couples counselling.

Dangers to the couple’s identity:

Time and overwhelming expectations

When a couple gets too busy with life tasks, and life becomes about work all the time, they have less energy to give the relationship identity, and problems start.

 All work and no play!

If couples do not also nurture their need for play and spontaneity, life becomes boring and isolating. Humans need balance. Play is food for balance.

 Prioritization of the other partner

Your partner needs to feel wanted and appreciated. Your partner is not your doormat, servant or sex slave. They are a person in their own right and have a right to the fulfilment of their needs and wants, just like you are.

 Equal partners

Bringing out the best in each other and treating each other as equals is a foundation brick of a couple’s relationship. Trying to change the partner is disrespectful to their identity.

What Brings Couples to Counselling?

A common reason couples seek counselling is the breakdown of a unified couple identity—often described as “we-ness.” When two individuals form a committed relationship, they create a joint entity that goes beyond their separate selves. This shared identity reflects their bonds, interactions, values, beliefs, and hopes for the future.

The quality of a couple’s relationship is a significant indicator of overall well-being and health. For many, the state of their closest relationship shapes their perception of life satisfaction. The psychological closeness between partners—this “we-ness” or couple identity—is central to relationship fulfilment.

Research shows that in about 75% of cases, couples who come to counselling are experiencing discord rooted in a loss of couple identity. When partners begin to see themselves only as individuals, rather than as a collective “us,” discomfort and disconnection grow. Couples who stop describing themselves in terms of their relationship are at risk. Recent psychological studies have identified predictors of relationship quality, helping counsellors intervene early.

The Role of Social Identity
Social identity and “we-ness” are closely linked, both signifying a sense of ownership over the couple’s shared concept. Indicators from social identity formation can help predict relationship quality. Effective counselling involves assisting couples to reconceptualise themselves as a re-emerging social identity. Measures of social identity have proven to be the strongest predictors of relationship stability, followed by partner liking, similarity, and relationship orientation.
Relationship quality should be viewed through the lenses of satisfaction and stability. Exploring these aspects in counselling is essential. Just as understanding individual identity is important, couples must also develop a clear and deep understanding of who they are together.

Common Threats to Couple Identity

Several factors can undermine a couple’s shared identity:
 Time and Overwhelming Expectations: When life becomes dominated by work and daily tasks, couples may have less energy to nurture their relationship, leading to problems.
 All Work and No Play: Neglecting play and spontaneity can make life feel boring and isolating. Balance is essential, and play helps maintain it.
 Prioritization of the Other Partner: Each partner needs to feel wanted and appreciated. It’s important to recognise that both individuals have rights to their own needs and desires.
 Equal Partnership: Treating each other as equals and bringing out the best in one another is foundational. Trying to change a partner is disrespectful to their identity.

Practical Suggestions for Strengthening Couple Identity

1. Invest in the Relationship
 Schedule Regular Quality Time: Set aside dedicated time each week for activities you both enjoy, such as date nights, shared hobbies, or simply talking without distractions.
 Create Rituals: Establish small routines or traditions (e.g., morning coffee together, evening walks) that reinforce your sense of “us.”

2. Foster Playfulness and Spontaneity
 Encourage Fun: Make room for play, laughter, and spontaneous activities. Try new experiences together to keep the relationship vibrant.
 Balance Responsibilities: Ensure that life isn’t all about work and chores. Prioritise leisure and relaxation as a couple.

3. Show Appreciation and Recognition
 Express Gratitude: Regularly thank your partner for their contributions, support, and qualities you admire.
 Acknowledge Achievements: Celebrate each other’s successes, both big and small, and offer encouragement during challenges.

4. Embrace Equality and Mutual Respect

 Support Each Other’s Growth: Encourage your partner’s personal interests and ambitions, and respect their individuality.
 Share Decision-Making: Make important decisions together, ensuring both voices are heard and valued.

5. Communicate Openly and Honestly

 Discuss Needs and Expectations: Talk about your needs, desires, and expectations openly to avoid misunderstandings.
 Address Conflicts Constructively: Approach disagreements with empathy and a problem- solving mindset, focusing on the relationship rather than winning an argument.

6. Reinforce the “We-ness”

 Use Collective Language: Refer to yourselves as a team (“we,” “us,” “our goals”) to reinforce your shared identity.
 Set Joint Goals: Plan for the future together, whether it’s travel, financial planning, or personal growth.

7. Seek Support When Needed

 Consider Counseling: If you notice persistent issues or disconnection, seek professional help early. A counselor can guide you in rebuilding your couple identity and improving communication.

At Elmarie Bekker Counselling, Couple Identity Formation is a priority. As a couple, you’ll grow individually and also strengthen your shared identity into a confident and healthy “we-ness.”. Get into contact today.